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    Amway / Quixtar's Finest Fake News Source            23 July   2005

Churches Announce Replacement of Wine

"X S" Energy Drink Substituted at Communion
Ada, MI (APP)  - Quixtar, formerly Amway and the exclusive seller of the popular "XS" energy drink, announced to today a new version of their tasty, calorie free "energy drink" for use in Church Communion services.  

Quixtar's crack marketing team quickly jumped on the unfilled market in the Communion drink market and has filled it with a new version called "XS Communion-Grape".  The marketing people noted the full name was "Xtracting Sins Communion-Grape"

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XS a part of every Communion Table

 It seems Quixtar discovered the utapped market by monitoring the sales of one of their distributors from West Virginia, who is also a church Minister.  What tipped off Quixtar was the unusually high sales of their grape flavored energy drink to this particular minister.

The Minister from West Virginia has became a Q12 platinum and has since purchased a new car and house. 

The drink has proved so popular that many Protestant churches are now having communion every Sunday.  Not only has church attendance improved, due to the tasty drink, but the Amway distributor Ministers have seen their incomes rise substantially.

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Former President Clinton
"eXtracting his Sins"		 The drink has taken the communion drink market by storm as ministers and pastors across the nation sign up other clergy to be distributors for Amway/Quixtar.   Not only is the XS communion-grape popular with their Church congregations, the minister can also earn a residual income by recruiting other Churches that will consume the drink.

The drink acquired media attention when former president Clinton took communion using "XS" and publicly asked for forgiveness in the Monica affair.
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The Pope serves "XS" to
Lech Walesa		 The popularity of the drink has not stayed just States' side but has moved over to Europe as well.  The Catholic Church has since adopted the tasty, sugar free drink.

Since the drink is alcohol free it is popular with Christian Arabs and American Baptists too.

Quixtar has even developed a 24 oz. communion sized "Tall Boy" can that precisely fills the Pope's chalice.

 

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The Pope serves "XS" from a
"XS Tall Boy" to a Christian Arab
popejpii.jpg (11467 bytes) The Pope noted the benefits of using XS Communion-grape drink at mass. "Due to the high caffeine content and the 4900% RDA value of vitamin B12, we find people are not sleeping in Church any more".  "The problem with wine was that it had alcohol in it and it tended to make people sleepy".  "I hated it when people fell asleep during my sermons", noted the Pope.  

Joking around and in an exclusive photo for Amway Parody Press, the Pope showed us how the congregations' eyes are "wide open" after taking communion with XS communion grape drink.
church_sm.jpg (34018 bytes) The two eldest religious leaders in Amway/Quixtar, Bill Britt, and Dexter Yager heralded the endorsement of XS communion grape drink by the Pope and noted how it marked a new era for the relationship between Protestants and Catholics inside the Amway/Quixtar organization.