AUS Newswire--Beleaguered President William Jefferson Clinton announced today at a press conference in the White House that he's found the answer to all his problems...and yours, too. 

"I should have done this in the first place, 'stead a wastin' my time in politics. I can bend the truth till it squeals like an Arkansas hog what's been kicked hard in the tender parts, but there ain't a thing I can teach those folks at Amway." declared Clinton. "If I'd a' had those guys on my spin team, Paula and Monica'd be apologizin' to me right now!" chuckled the President. 

Clinton went on to explain his plan for healing the wounds caused by his administration's latest scandal. "I believe in my heart—and history will prove me right—that the best course for our nation at this point is for everyone to join me in this, the single greatest business opportunity in the history of the universe. In my downline, of course. And don't forget to buy my tapes...that's important, real important." 

Asked by veteran newsman Sam Donaldson why anyone would want to invest their time and money in a scheme which has proven to be a dismal failure for the vast majority of those who have gotten involved in it, Clinton replied "That's an excellent question, Sam, and I'm glad you asked it. Let me be frank and candid in my reply to you and the American people. But first, Sam, let me say that you look like a real sharp individual. Has anyone ever told you that? Yeah, real sharp. Hey, it just so happens that me and a partner of mine are looking to expand our international distribution business in this area, and I'm sure we could use someone like you...blah blah blah...joint ventures with Fortune 500 companies...blah blah...twenty percent of all millionaires...blah blah blah...no selling, just buy from your own store...blah blah blah...five hours a week in your spare time...you'll join for the money but stay for the people...blah blah blah...Amway? They're just one of our 'servicing companies'...Say, why don't we have coffee at Denny's...?"

"Now just watch while I
take this cigar...I mean
marker...and draw some
circles for you..."

"Here's how I used to grab
Monica's hooters. Seriously, 
all you have to do is sign 
up six interns, who each 
sign up four, who each sign up two..."

"I swear, no one makes any 
money on the tools. Honest. 
We sell them at cost, even 
though it only costs sixty 
cents to produce the tapes 
y'all pay six bucks for."

"Let us pray...that you sign 
up for SOT and attend all 
my rallies and functions. 
We prefer that you pay in 
cash, by the way..."

"What's that...you're not 
sure you want to join? What 
are you, some kinda wimp 
who zips his pants up on the 
side? Get outta here...you're 
stinkin' the place up, dummy."