LWL Washington, D.C
From LWL Newswire: (a satire)
President Clinton unveiled a new program to help the Japanese people during their current economic difficulties. Clinton named the new program "Buy Japan", code name BJ. Clinton proposed this program in response the recent news that the sales of the personal products company, Amway Japan limited, dropped more than 22% in the second quarter, 29% in the third quarter, and 25.4% for the year ending October 1, 1999.. Clinton started showing the plan late last year to diversify his income in case he was impeached as President of the United States. See related AUS news article.
Clinton said, "The soap business is supposed to be recession proof. Everyone still needs soap, even in a recession, at least that is what my upline told me". "In Japan we have one of the most successful soap companies in the world reporting devastating decreasing sales, 23%, and 29% drops for the last quarters. The situation in Japan is worse than what we thought." There is a hygiene crisis in Japan today." Clinton also stated that the situation has become unbearable for the general population. "People are not brushing their teeth, showering, or shaving. They are all wearing little white masks to hide their unshaven faces and to cover up their bad breath". Shown here is a Japanese consumer wearing a mask while scouring the newspaper for Yen-off coupons in the tight Japanese economy.
In an exclusive interview with LWL, Clinton rubbed his chin and said "imagine what it would be like not to be able to shave or shower for a week ". "This is what the economy and the people of Japan has been brought to." People just can't afford to buy the premium priced Amway necessitates, soap, razors, Satinique shampoo, Glister toothpaste, Nature Shower hand/body lotion, and SA-8 laundry detergent anymore. These people are suffering, it's a hygiene crisis!"
Clinton discussed his plan as a guest speaker at an Amway motivational seminar in Japan during a recent visit. The new BJ (buy Japan) plan was met with great enthusiasm. After the speech the entire Amway crowd worked themselves into heated frenzy chanting "We don't need no stinkin' recession", and "the recession just doesn't matter, the facts don't matter, we have dreams!" They finished out the rally chanting "BJ", "BJ".
Clinton's Economic aid plan includes giving away "yen off coupons" on all Amway personal hygiene products, to boost non-existent retail sales, as well as a "Show A Plan" (SAP program) referral slip where Clinton would get International sponsorship of anyone who signs up to be an Amway Japan distributor. Shown here is a very happy Japanese citizen who just received the first coupons.
He said, "Clinton-san is a great man. He and Amway help us to clean up our lives". "These coupons will help make Amway products affordable to us. Maybe I will become distributor if I really save money. Imagine Clinton-san as my sponsor?"
Clinton came under fire for the supposed conflict of interest with the new plan. Clinton justified this action by saying, "Hey, if Bill Britt and all the WWDB diamond cronies can raise tape prices $1 on all their US Amway distributors to finance their international expansion, why can't the United States Treasury help the Japanese people in their time of need, as well as build my downline? I'm just trying to help people help themselves."
"Besides this Lewinsky thing", noting the hand motions that got him in trouble in the first place, "may just jeopardize my pension, and I need to diversify my retirement income. These legal bills are killing me, Hillary has lost her magic in futures trading, and what do I do if Chelsea wants to go to graduate school? I need a solid residual income, and this Amway thing is the best business opportunity thing I've seen", said Clinton. "I've never had any business training, or experience but I know this Amway thing just has to work. I met a guy in a hotel one night who said he had quit his job, it must work. The BJ program with lots of SAP's is the best thing I can think of to give my Amway business a head start." Anyway I know six really sharp people who I can help be successful.... Let's see there's Monica, All Gore, he invented the Internet you know, my Chinese buddies for my international leg, ... hey you look really sharp.... business associates of mine are looking to expand their International distribution business in your area, how'd you like to make some extra money?........