AUS Author Placed Under Demonic Spell by Procter & Gamble! (A satire. Duh.) "We feel a little bad for Sidney. In fact, he's allowed himself to be used as a tool for a big corporation." --Official Amway Spokesweasle Mike Mohr, quoted in the Grand Rapids Press
AUS Newswire--In a development sure to shock his faithful readers, AUS web site author Sidney Schwartz today announced his discovery that he has been placed under a demonic spell by agents of Procter & Gamble, a company that has long denied persistent rumors that it is involved in and promotes Satanism. "It's all true," sobbed Schwartz. "At first I thought 'How could such anyone believe such an absurd, stupid rumor?' But now I know better." Schwartz claims that not only are the rumors of Satanism true, but that Imps of the Dark Lord disguised as P&G employees have long had him under an as yet unidentified spell of a demonic nature. "How else can my behavior be explained?" asked Schwartz, his eyes glowing menacingly beneath the horns that have sprouted from his forehead. "Why would any sane and rational person set up a web site criticizing an honest, ethical company like Amway...unless, of course, they had been possessed by the devil!"
Schwartz is not sure how the possession was accomplished, but he says that P&G has had a number of opportunities to do its evil work. "Foolishly, I have allowed a number of P&G products into my home. I should have listened to those kindly Amway distributors who have long tried to warn us about P&G's demonic proclivities. I recall now that I would definitely feel morally relativistic after using Tide® to clean my fine washables. Also, while using Crest® to maintain a healthy and attractive smile, I would sometimes hear voices urging me to kill my neighbors and feast on their maggot ridden flesh." While P&G may use its products to spread its evil and mischief, Schwartz says the most likely cause of his current alarming state is his direct contact with some of P&G's attorneys. "I should have become suspicious when they acted in their client's best interest," laments Schwartz. "Everyone knows that no real attorney would do such a thing." But the big tip-off, according to Schwartz, was the fact that P&G's attorneys actually offered to compensate him for the time he spent assisting them. "What kind of sick, vicious person would do something like that? God only knows how they got that money...probably white slavery." Some people doubt Schwartz's claims of possession, citing the fact that he had been publicly criticizing Amway for years before any contact with P&G. "Obviously P&G had been carefully planning and carrying out this hostile takeover of my immortal soul for quite a long time, and were just waiting for the right moment to put their evil scheme into motion. All that time I thought my opinion of Amway was being shaped by the facts; court documents, books, articles, Amway's own admissions of theft and misconduct...little things like that. But now, thanks to the compassion and insight of Official Amway Spokesweasle Mike Mohr, I realize that I was being deceived all along by P&G's pointy-tailed minions." When asked about his future plans for his web site, Schwartz appeared grim. "Hey, I'm possessed," he said. "What else can I do but bow to the will of Beelzebub?"
Official Amway Spokesweasle Mike Mohr